Today I took about fifteen minutes preparing the perfect text message to explain to some really nice Mormon girl why I would be cancelling our appointment for tomorrow. This was the second appointment that was set for us to "further my relationship with God and develop a better understanding of the Mormon faith". The first one was cancelled because, well, they just showed up at my house after I ignored their texts and it freaked me out.
Here's the thing, I'm not Mormon. I'm not even remotely interested in being Mormon. I'm not very interested in religion in general. Not to get too into faith and all that, but I just prefer to have more of a relationship with God rather than relying on others to tell me what to do and how to feel. However, despite my complete disinterest in being "one of them", I still decided to allow them to sit and talk to me at length about their faith and watched as they awkwardly held on to their Mormon bible and said a prayer in my living room. I then got more pathetic as I gave the pushier, yet obviously socially unskilled girl a possible date and time for us to meet again. What kind of nonsense is that? I had absolutely no intention of coming to their church or taking part in their one on one bible studies, so why couldn't I just say that like any other normal human being? Why couldn't I have just said, "hey guys, you're super nice and all, but I kind of think you're creepy and I don't want to be in your cult", or some nicer alternative to that. No, instead I stood there like a sheepish idiot TWICE and scheduled appointments I knew I didn't want to attend.
My problem is that I'm terrible at telling people no. I worry way too much about hurting people's feelings; I always have. I hate feeling like I'm disappointing someone and when I'm put on the spot I completely shut down. In a word, I'm weak. Incredibly weak. That ends today though...hopefully.
The second appointment was set for tomorrow, or today at this point since it's currently 12:54 am. Texting that girl was not a terribly difficult task, nor was it incredibly easy. However, it is a first step. I'm not one to make resolutions, so we're not going to call this change I hope to go through a resolution. All I want to do is overcome my weaknesses and hopefully find myself somewhere along the way. I'm a nineteen year-old college student who has tons of potential but absolutely no sense of direction. My hope is if I keep taking these small steps they will lead to bigger steps and newer more intimidating experiences. Progress can only come if a person is willing to let it happen, and there is no type of progress that can happen from me staying in the same place doing the same things -- mentally and physically. So, hello 2014. Let's see what you have for me!
